I have wondered if I should blog about this or not and decided that I would as I know other women have experienced this same thing and this is a journal of sorts. A month ago I had a miscarriage. My feelings on this were so mixed as the way I found out I was even pregnant was when I miscarried.
I am still nursing baby boy and so my cycle had yet to return. Typically for me it begins once the baby is eating more solids and so I was expecting it anytime. When I started spotting I thought nothing of it. A few days later I had cramping unlike anything I have had before. I told John that the pain was so intense it felt almost as if I was in labor and I could even time it. So, I had thoughts flash through my mind of "could I be?" but "no, not possible". I took ibuprofen to help with the pain and then went to the store figuring that by the time I got there the pain meds. would have kicked in and I'd feel fine. I took George along with me, just in case.
As we walked through the store I started to feel faint and got really hot. I had to keep stopping for each cramp I had. George was planning out what he would do if I should pass out and had my cell phone in hand. By the time we got to the parking lot I felt a big "whoosh" and immediately I felt fine again. We went home and I found that I had passed a clot.
I talked to a friend of mine who has miscarried too many times and talked to her about my experience. She told me if I wanted to know for sure to take a pregnancy test as the hormones would still be in my body. John went out to get one and in the meantime I was online looking at signs of miscarriages and stumbled upon a picture of a baby that was miscarried at six weeks. It was amazing!
I took the test and found that indeed, I had been pregnant. What a mix of emotions! I had honestly not desired to be pregnant at that moment in time but yet, I had life inside of me and didn't even know it. Well, I had saved the clot for reasons I don't really know but decided to look at it more. I have always been fascinated by the various stages of a baby's development, especially when I am pregnant and so I was curious. When I turned it over I could see the form of a baby at about 3 weeks after ovulation. I could see the head with a dot of an eye, the arm buds and the spine which was still in the form of a tail. It was simply amazing to see the beginning stage of my little baby that God had knit together and yet had also decided for one reason or another that it was not to be. I took a picture to remember, but I won't share that here.
So, if you are wondering, as I am sure some of you might be, yes, we would love to have more children if God blesses us again. For my thoughts on this subject I stumbled upon a post that puts into words feelings that I have. You might enjoy reading HERE.